Gordon Tinklesbury Returns!

I tried to do the Dua Lipa hair style, but it’s gone seriously wrong! What should I do?

Rose, 24

Got hair problems, yeah tell me a real problem sis’ ! Who isn’t sporting a below par trims in lock- down, just own it. Go all in, get some wacky ‘lights, F your S up girl. Grow a ‘tashe as well, get some chops going. Monobrow, face tat, the possibilities are endless.

Ain’t nobody gonna be looking at your shlid when you're sporting a surrealist portrait of Sue Barker on your cheek.

Cheers again, G.

My post keeps being undelivered, I think it’s the postman but I have no evidence. What should I do?

Anon, 25

Hey guys, no need for introductions now I hope. Sounds like there’s some mischief going on in the neighbourhood. Now you gotta be sneaky to catch a criminal, they know what they’re doing! My suggestion would be camouflage. If you have any ornaments or garden features in the front garden it’s time to get crafty. Get some body paints and get a close friend and I’m sure you know the rest.

P.s Always get more body paint and a less close friend than originally thought. One word, crevices!

I want to buy my boyfriend a birthday present but I’m low on cash - any suggestions on what I should make him?

Rach, 22

Easy Gordistas! Seems like someones been splashing the queens noggins lately. Throwing the dough. Don’t worry I got you, I haven’t spent a penny on my partners birthday in years. It’s the one day a year the veet comes out but that’s me, gotta get your own thing. Steal a puppy or something, I don’t know. Got my own s**t to sort out. Can solve everyone’s problems, jheeze!